In Control

So lately I've been reminded of my control issues. I am; believe it or not; a very dominant person. I like to be in control, or well need to be in control of most things in my life or things spin out of control. Bad things happen and people die. I've always been in control at home, or at least tried to be. It's probably also from growing up so spoiled. I see it as both good and bad. I can most defiantly hold back. I gotta work hard for it.

Amanda's Birthday

My friend Amanda turned 19. We had a surprise party for her, it made me realize my love for jumping out and startling people. It somehow turned into a sleepover. I didn't sleep a wink. ;) I made knew friends and Kim was there too. It was a great night! I am officially out of my depression. I learned new things. I even bugged the hell out of my friend Cynthia, by the way she's a really cool dancer. I'm so happy and delirious from lack of sleep, but I can't sleep, I have to be Frankenstein in a few hours for a photo shoot.

Power and Money

Everybody is obsessed with obtaining power and money. To be honest I don't see why. I have everything I could ever want and, I am completely dominant over my family. You know what, I'm not happy. Power and money can't make you happy. The problem right now is that I don't know what will constantly make me happy. I'm guessing the simple things. I'm happy with my Lion King Role Play though it's pissing me off lately. I think love will make me happy. Romance, getting to know someone, someone to share experiences with, that sounds fun. Friends are fun too sometimes. Being alone sucks. Got my stereo set up on it's shelf today. Can't wait to get the turn table and reel to reel. I love these little projects, they give me a reason.

Life's Not Fair

You know why life isn't fair? Because their are people like me who never take risks and chances. People who do good. People who fallow the rules. But then their are people who break the rules and do bad. People who get away with doing bad. Lazy people who steal opportunities from the people who work hard. You know what, it's bull shit. Those people piss me off. That's why life isn't fair. Lately I wonder why I'm so kind and loving. It seems like all the ass hole people get the easy breaks. Maybe you gotta take what you want rather then wait for it to be handed to you...

The Theory Of Curing Depression

I'm depressed. People tell me that getting a job will make me happier but I don't see how doing things that I don't want to do is going to make me happy. Granted I will get a job because I have to. I am very tired of hearing that bull shit about how a job is going to make me happy. The thoughts of people saying that make me very bitter and angry. Their just lying to me.

I don't know what to do about my depression. I have a theory about how to cure it, and that is with a relationship. I don't know how to go about doing that. I'm scared. And I'm even more scared of heartbreak. Love can hurt.

Somethings bugging me tonight. I find myself getting angry at people liking my photos on Facebook. I think I get angry every time someone is nice to me I honestly don't understand why, it just happens...

The Wonderful World Of Clutter

I'm finally getting my room how I want it after 11 years. I love clutter. My walls are filled up with tons of pictures, Posers will fill the ceiling, cabinets like sky scrapers every ware, 7 aquariums, and more music equipment then I ever imagined. I really nice man named John gave me some stereo equipment, a Beta max tape player and a VCR. He said that he has a turntable for me too. Then another guy from the fish meeting named Victor is giving me a reel to reel which I need to listen to Granny and Grandpa's wedding. He's also giving me some other things but I forgot exactly what, I think a turntable and some Beatles records. I am very grateful to both of them. I'm gonna have the most bitchen entertainment center in my room. just a few key pieces that I'm missing. I'm so excited!

A Reason

Entering the new year on a negative note. I really need to get a job or a project because i'm finding myself not having any reason to wake up in the morning. My mind has entered dark places sense I decided to change my views on religion. I have so many questions that will never be answered. Questions like, What is the point of life? Why are we all here? Is there a reason to exist? Why should we continue to exist if there is no point? Yea, dark taboo like questions that have been seeping through my mind. I don't really see a point to life anymore, I guess it was all tied in with religion. I don't like to talk about this kind of stuff because people freak out and overreact and go, "Oh my god he's suicidal!" I'm not suicidal and never could be. I just simply dislike life. I'm never going to die.

Life will get better but only if I make it better. I just need to talk to people and to stop being so shy. I still refuse to burden my close friends with my problems. My closest friends being Jessica and Bethany. People don't like complainy people, well except for me. I like helping people, I guess that a reason to exist. It's easy to help people. Most people just want to be listened to and know that they are loved. Of course i'm very picky and wont let anyone help me unless I trusted them completely. I'm scared to be helped. I've really grown used to living in emotional pain. I sorta like it as weird as that sounds. It seems fitting. What a way to start off the year...