Jealous

I have to say that I'm in no way perfect. I'm filled with so many flaws that I can't count them. I'm fighting human nature to try and fix some of them. It makes me very sad that I can't control what I think, and how I think. I can't control my emotional balance. I find myself filled with anger and I keep repressing it. I'm easy to anger, mainly at home. Part of my constructed nature holds something I'm not proud of and it's hard for me to admit this. I gotta say, I'm filled with jealousy, a lot of jealousy.

I'm jealous of my brother Sean who keeps getting dads stuff. Pool sticks, a banjo, and license plates... you know, cool stuff. All I got was a leather jacket. Theirs a trench coat in moms closet that both Sean and I want. I don't quite fit in it but I love it. I could fit in it if I lost a few pounds. I do know that I'm not letting Sean have it. Well, unless mom buys me one. Sean's not the only one I'm incredibly jealous of.

I'm sadly jealous of my best friend. I love Jessica and I would never want to hurt her. I'm jealous that she's getting a good year pass to Disney Land. I can't afford to go to Disney Land. I was jealous when she was dating Bethany. I'm jealous that theirs potentially someone new in her life. When I can't date because I of personal reasons I can't talk about. I'm jealous that she has new friends and that I'm not her best friend any more. I'm jealous that we are lousing interests in the same things and drifting apart as time goes by. Not Only am I jealous of the last thing I said but I'm also terrified.

Jessica has been their through some of the hardest times in my life. I relay am scared to lose the closest person in my life. The one to which I can tell anything. But I can't keep being the pesky burden in her life. Especially now that she's grown up and has a life. I'm still hiding in my comfort zone to scared to face the music and get a life. It's my own fault I Love Jessica, she's the greatest friend anyone could ever hope for. We are drifting slowly apart in our great friendship and It's something that's gonna happen whether I like it or not.