Grandpa Is Dead

Theirs only two things that go through my mind these days. One makes my very happy and the other hurts me so bad. So grandpa died on November 8, 2011 from a blood clout because the doctors are idiots. As you will recall... Day of Death
It's not his death that bothers me it was his life. Recently I went through a thing, I don't want go into details with it. I realized how alone and purposeless my life had become and still kind of is. It really is the worst feeling ever. I wish I'd known that when grandpa was alive. I really would have worked harder if I knew he felt like this. Grandpa was kind of old fashioned and we didn't have much in common but I could have made a common ground. Music, records, old cars..anything. But I never did and now he's dead! And i'm so so sorry that I couldn't fix it when I had the chance. But I was selfish and chose to avoid the situation. He would drink allot and I'd be very uncomfortable with it, so I would avoid him. Now looking back, I would drink if I was him to but I can't because it's not who I am. He needed a friend and a purpose. I'm a horrible person for not seeing this. And I hate myself so much. Nothing can change the pain I feel. I can only hope it will go away on it's own...someday. Thank god I have the happy thing...

It Was The Week...

Hmmm.... Why don't I ever blog these days? I'm gonna look back at these to realize there are gaps. I guess I don't blog as much these days because....well...I'm in love dammit! I wanna shout it from the rooftops like in that song I wrote. But I can't not yet. Top secret and so hard to keep it that way. But to current events...

Went to another Merkabah a few days ago. It was fun, I drew a house. I been living mainly in the night to talk online. My conversations are more important to me then anything ells. I'm not doing my Lion King RP as much these days.

I've been thinking about allot. Trying to make sense of all my thoughts. They've built up over time and everything has gotten confusing. My mind is clogged. It's aggravating me. Also i'm forgetting allot of things too. I'm kinda a mess at the moment.

This week in general isn't turning out how I thought it would. My Disneyland overnight got cancelled. So i'm really bummed out about that. there will be other times, in 4 years... -_-

Also their is a Furry Fandom meet up Saturday which I will be devastated if it's cancelled due to rain. Then maybe a birthday party. I'm fine tuning everything.

Got new kinda things on my mind. Going crazy.... HAHAHA Life...

A Love Song

I been off my blog for along time. I am rather happy and i'm gonna explain why in an odd way. I just want to say that every love song makes sense now. Before, to me a love song was just meaningless mushy words used to win love or something. But now every single word carries a meaning. Love songs are beautiful. My old love song's even carry a larger meaning now. But songs of heartbreak I have not had a connection with. Hopefully I wont have to.

Music Therapy

Tonight I invented something I like to call musical therapy. I take all my anger and sadness and put then into song and shout type thing. Most of it turned out improvisation then I tapped into my song book. I feel better now, but I still hate what Valentines Day is doing to me... Link below...

http://youtu.be/v23SvLb6pFw

Time To Change

I've been thinking allot lately about allot of things. First I want to talk a little bit about myself. I am a very stubborn person. If I get into an argument with someone, mainly my family I will not admit it when I find that i'm wrong. I need to be in control of me. I'm very rebellious. So if someone tells me to do something, I wont. Things like, "Oh, you want me to get a job? Will that make you happy? Well too bad!" It might also have to do with my theory, "If I can't be happy then you can't be happy." I like irritating people not doing what they want me to, but hey, I control me.

Allot of people want me to get a job. My god father for instance said to me, "It's time to grow up and start helping out. You gotta get a job and work hard." Then I get all defensive thinking, "What the, I don't gotta do anything, I'm not gonna please you, make me..." Of course I didn't say any of these things to him. I just did what I always do, I completely shut him out of my life. I also did the same thing yesterday to my cousin Paul for about the same reason. I know i'm wrong, but I'm not going to give them the satisfaction of knowing that their right. Absolutely not....Unless they read this...

On to my point... I've been thinking allot lately about allot of things. Had another argument with mom today. They happen often. She has magic powers, she can turn any topic into me getting a job. During the argument I yelled to her, "How would you like it I just disappeared and you never saw me again?!" She responded with an, "oh shut up!" Then I got to thinking, If i'm just useless around here, maybe I should leave. I don't really have anything left for me here. Everyone can be happy without me. I don't play a big part in anyone's life. I don't feel useful here, I want to make a change in my life. I can travel and go anywhere. After I save the money of course. And I will get a job, but not to please all the people who are trying to control me, but for me.

The point of this post is that everyone is right and i'm wrong...

Theirs so much more I need to blog about but I must first organize my thoughts. Their all mixed up lately like knotted cords, It's going to suck untangling them....

Rage

I'm filled with rage. Get a job this, get a job that...GO TO FUCKING HELL! I don't want to get a job. I don't want anything except love. I hate my life, no one needs me, I'm useless. I just float around burdening everyone. People need to worry about themselves and leave me alone. It's my life and if I wanna fuck it up then let me. I wouldn't mind being homeless. Honestly I don't care. Whatever happens, happens!

So It Never Left

I'm mad and depressed. Why do I risk a good thing always wanting more? God i'm a spoiled bastard. I hurt inside. I've tried to deny the pain but it only gets worse. One thing I hate most in my life is how lonely I am. I cry so often from that pain. It's so hard to preoccupy myself. I am useless. I know how grandpa felt before he died. I can see why he was an alcoholic. I hate my life so fucking much. Why should I get what I want if I'll always want more? Will I ever be satisfied? So much pain.

Another Obsession Post

Hmmm... Well I have been thinking about me and how obsessive I am. If you haven't noticed before or haven't read my post called obsession, I'm very obsessive. I can get incredibly obsessed with something or someone in a matter of seconds. I'm obsessed with someone right now, my friend in Australia. I'm also re-obsessing over The Furry Fandom. I wish I knew why I get so obsessive. I thought I knew but I was wrong. I wish their would be people as obsessed with me as I am with people i'm obsessed with. I'm obsessed with me but in a bad way. I'm always trying to better myself. The way I look, the way I act, the way I think. It's really hard work to maintain this lifestyle but somebodies gotta do it. I just want everyone to like me. I know logically it will never happen. There will always be somewhere who doesn't like me for some reason. But I can always dream right? I'm a dreamer. Most peoples opinions don't matter to me. It's when i'm obsessed with someone when there opinion matters most to me. My friend in Australia's opinion did affect me. I was told I had a nice voice, therefor I'm not afraid to sing any longer. I hope he is telling the truth. If i'm told that i'm good then i'll sing loud and proud but if i'm told that i'm not that good, it wont hurt my feelings. That would help me because I would work harder to improve my voice. My feelings can't get hurt because i'm so hard on myself. I'm also reconsidering dancing again because of him. Well, until next time....

Chat Rooms

I been going on chat rooms for years in search of good conversation, but not for along time until 4 days ago. Four days ago I made a friend. Somebody I can talk to. I'm really happy. I want to talk all the time, neither of us know what to talk about 98% of the time. When were not talking I drive myself crazy waiting and wondering what to do until we can converse. I'm going crazy right now. Are conversations are addicting. I think I have some kind of problem.... How do I attach myself to someone so fast, and so strong? I'm sure it would seem creepy to everyone. I guess i'm just obsessive? maybe?

I have a question and I want feedback. Is their something wrong with me? Comment even.