Beauty

Life can be a real bitch at times But I can find beauty in anything if I look hard enough. Their is beauty in everything and everyone. I forget that sometimes, being blinded by ignorance. It's easy to say something is ugly but it takes a little effort sometimes to find the beauty. People just don't take the effort to look for the beauty in life. It could also be that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone sees things in their own way. This might just be the way I see things.

Well short blog to day but the next one will be about Disneyland because I'm going Saturday and Sunday. :)

The Lion King

Have you ever compared your life to a movie? I can't believe how much The Lion King connects with my life. My dad died when I was 7 tragically when he dropped his rifle and it shot him in the stomach. We moved and at a certain point my dads brother moved in with us. Over time he was trying to get close to mom. He would drink heavily. When mom would go to work he would beat us. Eventually mom found out and kicked him out. I also run from my probloms and avoid things because I'm scared. I am Simba.

Simba's Dad died when he was a cub. His uncle scar entered his life with bad intentions. Simba ran from his problems because he was scared. Simba is me...

I'm sure I could find more things that line up. Also I'm aware that The Lion King is Hamlet and The Lion King 2 is Romeo and Juliet.

A Bitter Change

I'm beginning to have a bitter attitude toward lots of people. Even people close to me such as Jessica. I'm short tempered at home and I can't have a conversation with mom because I have no patience. Memories of the past are eating away at me. Life is changing around me and it's pissing me off. I hate change and I've secluded myself to avoid it. But I can't stop the things outside me. If I can even stop things inside myself from changing. Places are changing. People are changing. Their is a rift between Jessica and I. We are growing apart. She's out having a life and I'm just watching...

Change brings so many horrible things like death. I'm sure it brings good too but the bad outweighs the good. It brings things I don't want and people I don't want. On the other hand it takes away people I need. Like granny and my fans at school. I see an alternative to avoiding change. It's moving with it, admitting I'm changing whether I like it or not. But I won't weaken to this. I will fight this as much as possible. I've made my bed, now I have to lie in it...

Questions & Poverty

I'm amazed at some of the questions I get asked. Like if i'm wearing my key jacket that has the keys all over it, people always ask me, "why does your jacket have keys on it?" I look at them and I'm thinking, "Does every one have a rhyme or reason for doing what they do? Can't I wear what I want to wear without being being asked why I am? Also what the hell does it matter to you? You have no business asking me this question, Your just a stranger! Maybe I like to create my own style. Maybe I wanna do something creative. So screw you..." But instead of lecturing them, I polity say "because I like it."

And sometimes people are pushy using questions. Like right now I'm flat broke, not one dime to my name. Someone asks me, "Do you wanna go here on this day? It's only $7.00." I explain that i'm broke and that I can't get money from mom either. Then i'm asked the question, "why not?" Once again i'm thinking, "How the hell is that your business?" Get the hint, i'm fucking poor. NO MONEY MEANS NO MONEY... It's irritating...

Next weekend I'm going to Disneyland. I've planned for this sense Easter. I'm gonna get a year pass for $375. But mom only saved $300 so I need to get the rest from her. I don't even know how much tax is gonna be. She has as little money as ever with Albertsons possibly going on strike. We've never been this poor. Mom usually relies on grandpa who so inconveniently broke his arm and is in the hospital. I also gotta pay $30 for my share of the hotel room. I was told about that in advance though. On top of everything Jessica says I have to have ten more dollars now to see Jessica's cousins show, I honestly don't know what magical fairy is gonna make that appear. Nobody understands that when I say I'm poor I mean I have no money. I don't know what their definition is but it's just fucking ridiculous.

Association and Labels

First off, Facebook keeps changing and making things worse. I'm incredibly pissed and I wish bad things upon whoever is responsible. I basically live on Facebook and when it changes I'm like "what the fuck?" I hate change in general so it really pushes my buttons. I'm even considering going back to MySpace and sitting alone. Then theirs furry4life which works for me too. The people of Facebook need to strike, nobody will, but they should...

Secondly, I finally kinda understand why, or have a theory why I'm a loner at the Steam Powered Giraffe shows. It's simply because I'd rather be Steam Powered Giraffe's friend then their fan. I finally understood that you can't be both. I thought about school and how everyone knew me and liked me, when I was the famous Michael Jackson Kid. Very few of those people were my friends. They were just fans. I didn't even know some of them and half of them I couldn't remember. It was also on the grounds of what I though of them. So therefor I'm assume it's like this with lots of public figures. So I must keep my distance as my own person and not get labeled. I need to be a loner... I'm not putting words in SPG's mouth, i'm just putting out my theory.

Lastly, I want to start a band. I have general specifications. The people I choose will need to be in my age group and male for harmonies and such. That and I'm more social with guys then girls as most guys are. The songs I write will have a classic pop - rock sound but still be innovative. Call it Michael Jackson meets The Beatles. I need a drummer, a bassist, a guitarist and a piano player. Their's also instances of an orchestra but I'll worry about that later. I have 3-4 albums worth of songs written. The tunes are in my head so you'll have to learn from that, I only write lyrics. I'll orally vocalize the tunes and beats or play them on a key bored.

Sean

Since the beginning of the school year my brother Sean has lost his mind. He refuses to go to school and he just complains about how he has all kinds of problems. He has no friends basically because he isn't interested in anything aside from locking himself in his room all day. He has made it very clear he doesn't want to be around other people at all. Today he threw a fit after going to a meeting to get him into home schooling. It always turns out after his fits and whining that he wants something. Last time he wanted to buy stuff at hot topic and this time he wants a computer. I see right through his mass extortion of moms guilt.

Sean may have something mental going on that runs in our family. He is completely paranoid. He thinks everyone is negatively talking about him all the time. That may be a reason to why he doesn't want to go to school any more. He is also a compulsive liar. He always would say that people would pick on him at school. Then Michael was gonna get sent to that school and Sean freaked out about it for a long time. When Michael went he didn't see any sign of other kids picking on Sean. It may also be some sort of middle child syndrome and some kind of cries for attention. I do know for sure that their's nothing he wont do to get what he wants.

Resetting Bobby Wolfey

I been thinking allot about how depressing to others I have been lately. I'm forgetting the point to my illusion. I am here to make others happy. I just gotta be the best person I can be. If I perfect myself, all the people I want to like me, will like me. All it takes is a fake smile and a good attitude. It also takes allot of emotional repression. I'm still working out many kinks.

I need to work on being more social. I'm too quiet, though this is also to keep my privacy. I'm very shy at first unless I really want to know the person really badly. Talking to new people is awkward for me so I tend to avoid it for that reason as well. I open up after I trust whoever I'm associating with after a while.

The shyness might also have something to do with terms. When I have to do public speaking my heart beat speeds up, I start shaking, and my mind goes blank. Not on my terms. But when i'm in the mood I'll get up in front of people and dance for them because it's on my terms. Of course this is just one theory and/or aspect of it.

My overall style is falling into place. With my tie used as a belt, a suit jacket, and my fedora, an outfit can easily come together. The styles I like can best be displayed in a scatter plot because it's not one specific style. It's many styles compacted through my narrow spectrum. My styles are also guided by my inspirations.

To Be Continued.......

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I'm going to sleep..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........

September 11, 2011

It is September 11, 2011 which is 10 years after the 2001 terrorist attacks in New York. The world remembers today. I was watching some specials today on The Twin Towers. I was obsessed for two weeks at one point awhile ago. Otherwise I can't tell you much about it... But today marks the first time it has hit me emotionally. Seeing people reactions as it's happening right before their eyes. I connect with their emotions but not the actual event. Seeing bodies falling as the fire blazed has no emotional effect but seeing the peoples fear and sadness greatly effects me...

The Wolfey Dance Off

Well tonight at the football game I got another picture with Wolfey. Later in the night I was being obsessive as usual when Wolfey returned behind me and did a dance move. Wolfey went on his way. One of the people with me said, "Wolfey just mocked you!" I sudely replied with a smile, "I'm honored." Later he came back again and did another dance move! This time he pointed at me, suggesting me to do a move. I did an MJ kick, a spin, and then the Moonwalk. All of a sudden Wolfey gets down on his knees and bows down to me. I was shocked that I got approval from Wolfey. I walked up to him and helped him up as I said, "Wolfey, you don't have to bow down for me, I'm your biggest fan." He then gave me a super giant hug. It was the greatest experience ever. Did I mention I got approval from Wolfey. I still can't believe it. I'm so incredibly happy! I did tell him that he made my whole night after the game before he left. Talk about inspiration..... :D

California's Black Out

Today I woke up at 3:00 and continued to watch the home movies I started watching yesterday. Then the screen went black. I thought for a second that that the tape malfunctioned but then I quickly noticed that everything was off. The power was out. I was a little excited, something interesting was actually happening. Then I started to worry about my 8 fish tanks with no filtration. Their's allot of fish, including a very large pleco. I don't care about the guppys though. I decided that I was gonna go on an epic journey to Albertsons to tell mom. I began walking, in the wrong direction I might add. I ran into my neighbor whose power was also out. I was relieved that it wasn't a problem with just my house. I turned around and got to a stoplight intersection and pressed the walk button not realizing that the stoplights weren't working either. I crossed the intersection after being signaled to do so. I then got a phone call from mom telling me not to come because I wont be able to get in. Mom also told me that the power is out in all of California. I came back wondering what to do. Most of the things I do involve electricity. And of course nothing was charged when I needed it. I played angry birds with the 15% of battery left on my iPad. It finally died so I went to get candles and flashlights before it got too dark. Only a few of the flashlights had working batteries in them. Mom finally came home and told me that the water isn't safe to drink. I was a little pissed off by this point. The stove still worked so I ate Ramen Noodles. At 11:30 after I missed Wilfred the power returned. Now I'm charging everything because I think we might have a relapse.

And who are you Bobby Wolfey?

I've been getting allot of kind words from different folks at the Cavalcadium. I would like too respond by saying that I am aware of my many talents. But I am also aware that my talents are flawed. I can't do it alone. I have the dream but not the smarts. Not the direction, because my mind is scrambled. I also lack effort.

Speaking of being alone, I can't be alone. I'm talking about me at home all the time. I hate it because theirs nobody to cheer me on. At school I was famous, I was The Michael Jackson Kid. I need people to feed off of. When I dress up and here people go "oh, it's Michael Jackson." It feels so wonderful. I don't really have many people to tell things to so I tell my blog. Which is the primary reason for it's existence anyway. I really only talk to select people, usually people i'm close to, or people whose opinions I greatly value.

Of course nobody knows the real me. That's someone I berried two and a half years ago. The real me was to flawed in my opinion to allow me to ever get noticed. So I picked out traits that I liked. Mainly Michael Jackson's ideals and beliefs, Changed my look and slightly heightened my voice and created Bobby Wolfey. The character being as perfect as I could get. I've evolved it from that since then. The problem is that every once in a while Bobby McGee will vent out or I'll get depressed and have to turn into him for awhile to let me out of the cage that Bobby Wolfey has become. I'm starting to forget my real traits and characteristics. It kinda pisses me off...

Actually being Bobby Wolfey in public all the time depresses me. Mostly when I'm not noticed, then I contemplate why I changed in the first place. When I'm noticed and loved by my peers and such I'm happy because my change is worth it. It sorta reminds me of Frankenstein in a way. Even though i'm usually sad all the time, I have become a good actor playing happy. I don't like to depress everyone ells. And note that when i'm talking about me being famous among my peers, that i'm not trying to sound full of myself. I'm not at all trying to sound full of myself, in fact I hate myself. Bobby Wolfey is a painfull facad covering Bobby McGee.

Being Bobby McGee again would be great but my image and the people of the world are more important then me being happy. I'm not the important benefactor in life. I live to serve others, at least thats how I see it... Oh....Here's to you Bobby Wolfey....

Zoo Summer Nights... The End

Today was a rainy yet good day. I went and saw Steam Powered Giraffe's last show at the Zoo. I went on a magic adventure with Jon, the 3rd one we've had. There has been lots of great adventures in these past few months at the zoo. Michael Reed is the Hula Hooping Master! They got rained out 2/4 sets but it was more time to spend with them. When the last set got rained out all the SPG fans sang Brass Goggles, which I think was a nice tribute. They have hit a new level of fame and I can't wait to see what happens next.

At the moment I'm laying in bed sad, thinking about what comes next... Steam Powered Giraffe at the Zoo was the last thing I had going for me. Now I'm alone with no people to be around. Sure Jessica, Bethany, or Kim every once in a while but they have their own hang ups. I miss school which starts tomorrow, well today because it's after midnight. I need to be around people or i'm just not happy. I was happy going to the zoo and knowing I had friends their to go to. My relationship with Michael is the strongest and my relationship with Jon has gotten allot stronger in the past two weeks, I admire Chris the most and David is like the older brother I always wanted. I really haven't got to know Sam at all and I feel bad about it. It's not that I forgot about him, I just don't know how to start.

This a little bit reminds me of when they used to play Balboa Park, then left my life for six months when they stopped playing there. Now that they are gone a second time I don't know when I will see them again. I can't not miss them, they mean allot to me, they will never know how much.

I hate not knowing what is gonna happen. What's next in life aside from the job I can't get. I got nothing going in my life... I thought about starting a band but I don't know how to do that. I'm not a smart person. Also the music I write isn't exactly the popular type. People these days listen to trashy not music like rap and heavy metal. I also need a license witch I can't get without a job because of insurance. It would be so much easier to go back to school where I was loved as the Michael Jackson Kid. I would give anything to go back... I still wouldn't do any of the work though.

The future not only has lengthy things that occur but quick unexpected things like Dads death. That kind of thing can happen at any time and I don't know how many more I can handle. I'm already emotionally confused and mentally destroyed. I'm surprised i'm sane after what life has given me. I guess I gotta turn bad into good somehow.... someday....

WHHS VS. SHS 2011

Tonight I went to the West Hills vs. Santana Football Game. After a long summer it was a nice thing to see everyone again. I started off the night getting a picture with Wolfey. I can't get enough of those. Seems that Wolfey had a sex change. Then I walked around aimlessly looking for people who know me. I walked down the isle way at the front of the bleachers and a whole section of people cheered at me. It's one of those things that makes me glow inside. Great night... though we lost BIG TIME.

Remembering Films

For the last few weeks I've been watching movies I watched when I was a child. It's been an emotional experience. It's difficult to make me cry but somehow remembering things from years ago makes me sad enough to do so. Crying is not a bad thing, I kinda like it. I feel a lot better afterwords. I also like renewing the memories. I'll be watching and hear a song and remember it right away. It's been many years sense I've seen all these movies.